Long time no see – it’s been deliberate. I’ve thought about this blog a lot. I’ve thought about weight loss a lot. I’ve thought about my general habits and mindset a lot. I’ve thought about a lot a lot. I’ve been thinking too much (full stop) to know what I want to say. But I think the fog is beginning to clear and I’m seeing my way forward.
I remember saying towards the end of last year that it might be next year, ie this year, before I weighed myself. Reader, I still haven’t. I’m scared, and I keep thinking of a friend of mine who has no idea what she weighs but knows that her trousers that were tight are now loose. My aim is not numbers on the dial but feeling happy in jeans, a pair of blue trousers I’ve never fitted into, two winter skirts I felt too fat to wear last year and two pairs of knee-high boots. If I achieve those goals then in the abstract, I don’t care what the scales say.
I’ve been aware of feeling very bogged down generally. I’m 43 and my system is definitely changing, but I’ve been feeling sluggish, lazy and enormously disappointed with myself for failing to lose weight. Things are changing at last and I’m delighted, really delighted. Closely connected are getting new hens and getting up early in the morning. Six hens need far more looking after (read mucking out) than the one to which we had dwindled so I found myself most days scrabbling about on the hen house floor shovelling sh1t. For reasons I won’t bore you with we’ve changed the henhouse set-up so that the nest boxes are removed overnight and put back in to the henhouse at 7am. By me. So, I’m getting up early every morning. That’s normal for term time but we’ve just had seven weeks of summer holidays and I’ve been very lazy, staying in bed til 9am if I can. It feels good to be up and about early again and I can feel the difference seeping into my whole day.
I feel like I’ve taken charge and once again feel completely able to make the rest of the changes that are necessary. I’m loving the autumn abundance of forage foods, I’m loving taking care of my hens, I’m happy to be in the routine of the new school term and I’m feeling on top of it all. I’m considering (really seriously considering) having my hair cut short (it’s very long and ridiculously I’m feeling weighted down by it), which will make me feel more like a well-presented woman in her 40s, rather than a silly woman who can’t let go of her lovely wavy chestnut locks. But most of all, what is making me feel so good today, I’ve successfully fasted for the first time in weeks. It’s nearly 8pm and since 6pm yesterday (after a supper of mackerel pate, greens and toast) I’ve had a carrot with mayonnaise and a very small slushy that my daughter made. I’m optimistic that I’ll get through the rest of the evening. To know I can do it is a hell of an ego-boost.